An ideal pet for children

[super noodles]

Not so much a joke, but an English essay meant to be in the style of an informative magazine article that I done and my friends found it quite funny. Thought I'd share it with all of you

An ideal pet for children

In this series entitled “Ideal Pets for Children” we will be looking at, well, you guessed it, ideal pets for children. This weeks ideal pet for a child may not have been an obvious one. No, it may not have even crossed your mind as being a sensible one, but it is! We think every child should have a pet hippo! Yes, tired of being bullied? Well just get your hippo to attack the bullies. Tired of being attacked by hippos? Well just get your own hippo and watch the ever entertaining fight.

We interviewed Dr. Tom Logan from the institute of studies on why hippos are an ideal pet for children:
Q: “Why are hippos ideal pets for children?”
A: “Well as everyone knows, hippos are very child friendly, so if your son or daughter accidentally pokes it in the eye, or sets it alight with twelve cans of petrol it will still want to play fetch with them.”

Q: “Hmm interesting, but isn’t there a chance they’ll play fetch with the child … as the stick?”
A: “Yes there is that chance, but that’s what they get for setting their hippo on fire.”

Q: “My old teacher, Miss information, taught me that hippos hibernate all year round. Surely this would make them about as fun a pet as a dead cat!”
A: “What? That’s ridiculous. I’m leaving now!”

An old friend of mine once told me “All good things come in really big packages.” Looking back at some of the research I’ve done I know what he means. Did you know that there are less than 10,000 hippos in the world? And they still have the audacity to do nothing but sleep and yawn emphatically for television crews filming an advert for that charity with the panda! So if you think cats are “awesome pets” because they are so blasé about everything, then you have clearly never had a pet hippo.

Another mind-blowing fact about hippos is that one species of them is the most endangered in the entire planet, but also one of the cleverest! The “Wingedae bomberous” to give it it’s Latin name or the “V1 bomber hippo” of Chile actually flies. It carries rocks between its feet and drops them on unsuspecting prey. Unfortunately there are only 14 living V1 bomber hippos left, and twelve of them are male.

So they make you look good, feel happy, protect you and don’t sleep all year round! If you still don’t think we need to get our children hippos then you are barking mad (not a pun by the way, hippos don’t bark! That’s dogs) And if by some miracle a dog breeder is reading this, please switch to hippos, they desperately need your help. Oh, and please don’t go setting them on fire.