random (bad) jokes

[diamondphil]

My girlfriend has the sort of face you see on posters or in magazines...... with the words "Have you seen this child?" underneath

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I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory.............All I did was take a day off.

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I walked into a pub and said to the barman, "Stella please mate".
He said, "Are you 18?"
I said, "No."
He said, "I can't serve you then."
As I walked out I thought to myself, "This is the fourth pub - what does a 22 year old have to do to get a pint round here?"

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A grandad asked his grandson what he wanted for Christmas.
"I want a bike, an iPod, some football boots and a Nintendo Wii," he replied.
"When I was a boy," said grandad, "all I got was an orange and an apple."
"f*** me!" said the grandson, "a mobile phone AND a computer?"

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David cameran and Obama find a machine that tells the future so Obama goes to it and asks what will America be like in 100 years, so the machine prints off the answer which says it will be in good hands and be prosperous. Next David Cameron goes and asks it what Britain will be like in 100 years, so the machine prints off the answer. Obama then asks him what it says, to which cameran replies; I don't know its all in ****ing Arabic


Thank you please