A few quickies .......

[Turveyman]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.




I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
but she did.


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.




Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.



Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up,
takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on,
sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,
" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies,
" Well we were married for nearly 20 years "



Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."
"f*ck that" says Mick
"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"



Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!



I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"




I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.




A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?
You sound English", "I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.


Spent £40 on ebay last week for a p*nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!



I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.



An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden?
she says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too



Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine
until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?

[The Godfather]

I'll add a few..

I've always had an over-active imagination.
Like that time I found myself drowning in an ocean of Tango - it took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
-
How did I get out of Iraq ?
Iran
...-
Was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill.
People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
-
Just bought a monopoly set with no instructions :@ !!
What are the chances
-
Reading the paper ealier and the headline was :
WOMAN ADDICTED TO EATING SOFAS
sounds to me like she has a suite tooth
-
I always seem to hurt the ones I love the most.
Probably because I've got a huge dick.
-
A man goes into a bookshop and asks if they have any books on Paranoia.
The assistant beckons him closer, looks left and right then whispers, "They're behind you."

Stuart

[rudolph_hucker]

Literally laughing out loud at them.